Dating Pitfalls #3 – Appearing to be Something You Aren’t

June 27, 2009 by Joesph Bellavia
Filed under Dating Tips

There is a natural tendency for people entering a new relationship to try and make themselves appear to be something more than they believe themselves to be. The thought process behind this is fairly rational, up to a point. The attitude that many people have goes something like the following: “He/she cannot possibly be interested in me for who I am. I’m too boring – I need to appear more interesting.”. Although this is a perfectly common rationale, it misses one key point – he or she clearly is interested. Any pretence is unnecessary. If you want to be more interesting, it needs to be a decision made for you. Only then can you fully commit to it and do it properly.

The problem with artifice and pretence is that they require a lot of work in order to be convincing. Honesty really is the best policy and not only because it is morally the right thing, but also because honesty is the natural thing. Telling the truth relies only on remembering what you have done. Lying relies on remembering what you have said, without the concrete memories to back it up. Sooner or later, you forget what lies you have told and you trip yourself up.

Being honest is rewarded with trust. If you tell a lie and are caught out, you lose a bit of trust, and once that goes it almost never returns. If you are later suspected of having done something of which you are truly innocent, your previous lie will work against your partner believing you. So even if it is only because of how it may come back to haunt you, be honest and be yourself.

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Tags: artifice, attitude, dating, honesty, key point, meet, natural tendency, online, pitfalls, pretence, rationale, telling the truth, thought process

Dating Pitfalls #2 – Coming on too Strong

June 27, 2009 by Joesph Bellavia
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There is little doubt that a new relationship can put a spring in your step. Just knowing that someone considers you to be worth spending time with, and that they are someone you would be happy with, makes a big difference. There are also drawbacks to this feeling. It is all to easy to fall quickly and deeply for someone, and it is not uncommon for people’s work to be affected because they spend any time that they have apart from their new love thinking about them. At its worst, it can lead to paranoia about the relationship ending suddenly.

Although it is completely normal to become smitten with a new boyfriend or girlfriend, it is important to proceed with caution. The temptation may be to call them a few times a day, give them gifts whenever you see them and write to them when you are neither with them or talking to them – love can easily be that powerful. However, it is important to be conscious that appearing too keen can spook someone. They may feel that they have to live up to an impossible impression, or that you want something more than they do – or just that you are getting too involved too quickly.

If you have to make a conscious effort to find other things to do with your time, then that is what you must do. Placing undue pressure on a relationship does no good – it needs time and space to grow healthily. Though this may be difficult to keep to, you need to give yourself the best chance of making things work.

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Tags: caution, coming, conscious effort, dating, girlfriend, new boyfriend, online, paranoia, pitfalls, spending time, temptation, time and space, undue pressure

Dating Pitfalls #1: The case of the ex

June 27, 2009 by Joesph Bellavia
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When embarking on a dating relationship with someone new, it is important to be aware of the ways that things can go wrong, and to avoid these as far as possible. The unavoidable fact is that many times, a new relationship can follow on the footsteps – for you or for the person you are dating – of a relationship which ended recently. This raises the very difficult question of how to deal with the ex. The end of a relationship invariably generates strong feelings, and it is how these feelings are dealt with that can make or break a new relationship.

For the person who is coming off a broken relationship, the range of possible feelings is extremely variable. It may be that you (or the person you are dating) still have feelings for the ex, especially if it was they that broke it off. The question of whether someone in such a situation should be dating at all is a tough one. It can help in getting over the old relationship, or it can complicate the new one. Additionally, there is the question of bitterness. If a person recently out of a relationship talks in a bitter, even insulting manner about an ex, it will invariably raise the question “Will they talk about me like that if we don’t work?”.

It is important that there is honesty in any relationship. Without it, a relationship will wither and die on the vine. Confront any old feelings before going any further, and you have a chance. Letting them fester will just ruin anything good that you could have.

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Tags: bitterness, broken relationship, dating, footsteps, honesty, insulting manner, old feelings, online, pitfalls, vine

Dating a Friend – What To Look Out For

June 27, 2009 by Joesph Bellavia
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There are numerous situations the place where a simple friendship can become something more – having known somebody for some time you realize how well you get on, and feel an inkling that there is something more there. It’s a situation that needs to be helped by some caution, however. No doubt that the relationship that begins as common friendship can go on to get absolutely fantastic. For a start, you know you might have things in accordance and that you can spend time together. You can actually convince yourself which it would be best of all in the event you took your friendship to “the next level”. It’s important, however, allowing you to ultimately know that it doesn’t always exercise the way you would’ve hoped.

Many people have started or attempted to take up a relationship based on a close friendship and located who’s did not work as they would have hoped. The “spark” from a couple just isn’t always just like a “spark” between two friends, although there are similarities. It’s worth talking things over, honestly and maturely, and seeing when it is whatever you both really would like. Danger every time a friendship gets a relationship, would be that the relationship will finish for just about any variety of reasons and can position the friendship at risk. Attempting to make something great into something better yet can leave you with almost nothing.

If you opt to give it a try, then it has certainly been demonstrated that it could work wonderfully. So long as you enter into it together with your eyes open, it can work that way for you too.

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Tags: caution, dating, find, friend, friendship, inkling, jeopardy, long time, next level, no doubt, online, relationship, two friends

The Age-Old Question Of When To Call

June 27, 2009 by Joesph Bellavia
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Sometimes a first date goes so well that you know there and then that you want to have a second date. The date is duly arranged for a week or so in the future, and one of you – we’ll say for the sake of this example that it is you – promises to call the other at some point in between the dates. This could be to firm up details, to chat with one another or for any number of other reasons. The age in which we live dictates that we must leave a certain amount of time before calling. But how soon is too soon, and how long is too long?

It is received wisdom that anything less than 24 hours comes across as being “too keen”. If the previous date went spectacularly well, however, this rule can be waived in most cases. It simply makes sense to take advantage of the positive impression you will have of one another in the wake of a successful date. Otherwise, it is permissible to have a single day in between – if your date was on the Thursday, you can mandate Friday for a night of DVDs with a friend, then call on the Saturday. Leaving it any longer may be seen as stringing someone along – which should be avoided.

The above rules are, of course, not binding, and you can make your own decisions depending on the situation. However, it should always be remembered that after the first date, “playing hard to get” becomes less endearing and more like a method of torture.

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Tags: age, amount of time, call, Dating Tips, decisions, dictates, dvds, first date, old, question, sake, second date, single day, torture, when, wisdom

Exit Strategies for the Date from Hell

June 27, 2009 by Joesph Bellavia
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As much hope as we sometimes invest in a date, there is rarely any guarantee that it will go as we had hoped. The very reason that you go on a date is to find out if you like the other person enough to spend more time with them – and if they feel the same way about you. Sometimes, however, a date can go so badly that you want to end it prematurely. If both parties can agree civilly to do this, then it’s better for all concerned. If, however, the decision to call a halt is unilateral, it is worth having an exit strategy in place. This does not need to be planned like a military operation – but it is worth having back-up in case things go very badly.

Taking a cell phone with you is always wise. Planning with a friend that they call you at a pre-ordained time to make sure all is well allows a possible exit strategy. When the phone goes, look at the display and say “Sorry, I have to take this”, and answer in such a way as to make the escape easier. If you could do with back-up, a code word is an idea. For example, the code word is “fish”. You answer the phone, say “Hello?”, allow your friend to speak and then say “Oh no! Are the fish OK?”. They can then come to your rescue – in case the date turns nasty. If, however, you just want an excuse to leave without being too cruel to the person you are with, you can use the phone call as an excuse to leave. It may not be a nice thing to do, but sometimes you need to look out for yourself.

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Tags: cell phone, code word, date, dating, excuse, exit strategies, exit strategy, fish, hell, military operation, nice thing, phone call, strategies

Be Yourself – A Cliché, But A True Cliché

June 27, 2009 by Joesph Bellavia
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The undeniable truth that everybody who has been able to a negative date can tell you is the fact that sometimes the spark just just isn’t there, regardless how much you desire that it is. A private connection isn’t something you can manufacture if it isn’t there in any way about the first date, the prospect of it appearing down the road are limited. As opposed to blaming anyone, or wanting to invent an atmosphere that isn’t really there, sometimes calling time and parting the ways is regarded as the grown-up reaction. You can actually get drawn into believing you’ll want to adapt to a certain stereotype, and get into to start dating knowing that. This course is doomed to fail.

Probably the most commonly used pieces of advice anyone will ever hear is “be yourself”. Many experts have known to send individuals right into a furious rage with the mere utilisation of the first syllable. Folks don’t like cliché, nevertheless the truth is that sometimes clichés become clichés since they’re true. So you will be wise to always think of yourself as yourself, for just one great reason if nothing else – eventually, in case you wear an action, that act can come to pieces. At that time it is just a much bigger hard to regain your dignity and someone else’s trust than should you be honest in the first place.

You can’t make anyone just like you if there is no connection there – however, if someone is going to just like you, it’s better that they can just like you for you.

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Tags: bad date, dating, dignity, don't, fact of the matter, find, first date, furious rage, give up, good reason, online, personal connection, stereotype, syllable, true, undeniable truth, yourself

Know When To Talk and When To Listen

June 27, 2009 by Joesph Bellavia
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The joys of dating are many and varied, and experiencing them all is a part of life that should be appreciated for the rare gift that it is. Being in the company of someone who makes you laugh, someone who looks at the world in a way that endears them to you, and someone who knows how to make you feel good is a feeling that cannot be bought. However, it is rare that this will happen naturally on the first meeting. If you are going to employ a strategy where dating is concerned, the most important thing is to make sure that you do not make yourself look either arrogant or meek. Being interesting company requires a balanced approach.

The key to this approach is knowing when to Talk and when to listen – or as some would have it, when to Talk and when to stop talking. You need to get the balance right. Staying silent all the time will make your date wonder what is wrong with you – or what is wrong with them. Either way it can bring a date to a disappointing end. Talk about yourself, but do not feel the need to share every detail about you. “I like to go to the movies every couple of weeks – even if there’s nothing good on it can be fun to see a stinker” is pretty good. “When I was seven I locked my sister in the garage for six hours” is not. Gauge their reaction and listen to what they have to say too. Don’t get drawn into feeling that the sole purpose of listening is to have something to do while waiting to Talk again. A steady flow of conversation is a prime sign of a good date.

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Tags: balanced approach, dating, don't, find, first meeting, give up, good date, laugh, liste, online, purpose of listening, rare gift, six hours, sole purpose, steady flow, stinker, talk

Don’t Give Up Hope – Keep Trying

June 27, 2009 by Joesph Bellavia
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Whatever method of dating you attempt, there is always the chance that the early days will be marked more by failure than by success. It is hard not to be disheartened by this, and there is little that anyone can say to make it feel less painful. As much as these pieces of advice sound like fraudulent cliché, the truth is that very often it’s not anything that’s wrong with you, that sometimes the timing is wrong, and that as long as you stay true to yourself there will be people who find you attractive. As tempting as it may be to wallow in self-deprecation, keeping faith has to be the strategy for you.

If a date goes wrong and you don’t hit it off, it is not because you yourself are fundamentally flawed. For two people to meet and get along brilliantly right away is incredibly rare. We all put up shields – otherwise we would be running around telling everybody what we thought of them, and we would be locked up or beaten up. It takes time. The fact is that sometimes you have to trust that your luck will pick up. If you don’t accept that you need to wait, you can end up convincing yourself that someone utterly unsuited to you is your soulmate – and creating a very problematic situation.

Accept that these things take time, and you will be much of the way towards getting it right. Don’t try to force it and don’t give up. Just show your best side at all times and it will happen for you.

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Tags: dating, don't, failure, find, give up, keeping faith, online, problematic situation, self deprecation, shields, soulmate, things take time, truth

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